You know when ever there is some sort of news worthy crime, you always read in the paper that law enforcement has seized the suspect’s computer in an attempt to find a motive, a connection, a reason, anything really that sheds light on why someone did something often horrific. So um, well if you could look at my computer history from the past few days it might read something like – how long can you keep a dead body in a home in California. I added the California part because I am assuming that there is not only something specific to California but that there would be some sort of tax. (There is, it’s a fee for when you get tired of the dead body being around and you transport it where ever it is you are transporting too.) Anyway it seems it is about 3 days.
I have no idea why it is now that I chose to google that, but I know where I got the idea. I read, probably last year, a story about a man who chose to keep his wife’s body at their home for several days after she passed away. This isn’t a direct quote, but the thought was that it might help him, his family, and their friends to have her around – dead. That it would help them get used to the reality she was gone. He was brilliant. I don’t think I had never heard of this before, or if I had seriously forgot about it. To me this would have been like when you sit with you feelings, your joy, your pain – to truly experience it. I don’t mean thinking about how you feel about something, like wow today is a good day; or shit today was craptastic. I mean when you seriously just are one with whatever it is you are facing – be it good or bad. When you finally shut out all of the noise and just let your body feel, what it is that it needs to feel. When you let your mind work through what it needs to work through, and allow your body to follow suit.
It is exhausting, to sit with things. It is an action that I find necessary. It was important for me to do before. Now it is essential, like breathing. It would have been exhausting to sit there with him. I am convinced my heart, mind, and body would have been better for just sitting there with him – working through one last thing together.
Add: bring your dead husband home so that you can be together in the space of the loss as it settles into reality, to the list of things that I wish I had known.
Bringing Dave home doesn’t sound crazy now. It probably wouldn’t have seemed crazy then either. In fact it was horrible to have to wait so many days to see him… for 30 minutes. Yep that is right that is all I got. 30 minutes because, well there were lots of gruesome reasons, but in the end it none of those reasons were worth the weird unsettled feelings that are bubbling up. I should have brought him home. I wish I had had the time to marinate in the realness, the finalness, the end of it all. Seriously what was I thinking to allow that to be my time? 30 minutes? I am smarter than that, I am typically my own best advocate. I knew enough to see how much it would benefit Sabina, but didn’t see that for myself. (Shaking my head.)
Like I said I have NO FREAKING IDEA why this came up NOW. Probably because things will eventually bubble up – whether that be in a mindful way after giving your self to honor and deal with things or things just seep up lowly, maybe years later. The deal is, that they come out end the end, they want to come out. I have been doing quite a bit of creating a space for my feelings and just sitting with them lately, maybe this popped up through that. Who knows? The thing is that it is here now, right there – staring at me. Obviously the decision is unchangeable, and I am not having a moment of being unsure if Dave is dead, so I am not going to waste anytime beating myself up over it. (Okay, not any more than I already have – whatever.)
In some weird way I feel like sharing this so someone, even one person, might now know they have this option makes me feel a bit better. This isn’t for everyone I know. That is okay. I don’t care what you do with your dead husband, but wanted you to know it is okay to bring him home for a bit to hang out a bit longer. (If you are shaking your head right now thinking this is crazy or that your family would never let you do that. Screw that – trust me you won’t believe how much you don’t care about what people think anymore. Sure that wears off a bit and omg, what would Betty think rears its ugly head from time to time, but most often there are no just no cares left to give.)
It is probably just best to add this to the lessons learned list. Sorta embarrassed at how long that list is has become. Wish I had been a better and more mindful person before he died.
I wasn’t, I am learning to be now; for that I am grateful.
Better late than never.